The Deepest

Anorexia is a state of mind, not just a disease.

I didn't even realise... Like ever...

Until now.


1. Part 1

I see it now. I didn't then. Not when it mattered.

Now I'm walking alone down an unfamiliar street, with unfamiliar people and unfamiliar thoughts.

Everything else is the same though. I don't know what I thought I would achieve.


How did I ever get here?

Not here, as in somewhere in west London, hopefully; but here as in finally alone. Finally. Nobody got me. Nobody understood. I'm sure there are people that would have, but they were never the people I was stuck with. I didn't even get a Dad.


Did that make me more loving and appreciative of my mum and vice versa? Ha, no.

I'd never really fought with her, she just ignored me. One time, when I was about 10, we went on a family visit: her, my sister, Becca and I; to the posh parts of London and she actually forgot me! Left me gazing up at Big Ben, while she hopped on a train home. To be honest, it probably pained her to come back when I call. She could've had her perfect life with her beautiful, skinny, sporty, little girl and no fat lump of a teenage boy with no friends and no life. I don't even remember if she apologised... Doubt it.


So today was the first time I had a full conversation with her, let alone an argument.

She shouted at me.

She shouted at me saying “your a fat, good-for-nothing, wast of space, Jacob,” and then shouted at me, screaming I'm anorexic! She didn't make sense but I understood. Finally. She didn't even realise, let alone care, her words had cut me. I'm fat – right? I've always been fat? It's meant to be teenage girls, worrying about their weight all the time that get this disease- this mental problem. Even now, standing here alone, against a broken wall with broken thoughts, the edge of her words sink deeper as my realization settles in. Words, words, words. Her words.

Her words, and she was finally right.

Why did it take, of all the times, when I needed a motherly figure to tell me it's all okay and she loves me and we'll get through this together; why did it take the absence of that for me to finally figure that she would never change and it would always be like this and I could just run.


I know where he is, after all.

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