How to get away with murder. An illustrated guide to mischief, lying and deception by Robert Sugden.

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A short guide to getting away with murder based on the example of the one and only Robert Sugden, a character with charisma and a killer instinct for trouble, also a true talent of talking himself out of everything.

* cover design based on the work of doncasterlyrock.tumblr.com *

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1. How to get away with murder.

 

Step one : Commit murder (technically manslaughter, but the result is the same so let’s stick with murder to be more dramatic). Possibly by pushing your sister-in-law through wooden floorboards in an old abandoned building so as she fell to her death and not revealed that you are having an affair (with a man to be precise).


Step two : Erase the photo she took of you and your lover that proved you’ve been cheating on your fiancée.

Step three : Call your lover for help.

Step four : Ask him to get rid of the evidence (and generally cover up your murder, no questions asked) while go off to marry your fiancée.

Step five : Lie to your lover about your involvement in the death of your sister-in-law.

Step six : Get a good alibi getting married in a church full of people.

Step seven : Leave the party to look for your brother whose wife you’ve just happened to kill.

Step eight : Lie to your brother about his wife’s death.

Step nine: Take him under your roof to ease your conscience (and play the hero).

Step ten : Go to your victim’s funeral, help carry her coffin and pretend that you’re not the reason why there is a funeral.

Step eleven : Talk your brother down from wanting to top himself by driving a car off a cliff.


Step twelve : Drive your lover mad to the point when he starts hurting himself again.

Step thirteen : Tell your lover partly what you did so as he stops blaming himself.

Step fourteen : Get punched by him a few times and generally just roll in the mud.


Step fifteen : Lie to your wife about how you got the bruises on your face.


Step sixteen : Pick a great moment to tell your lover that you love him for the first time which though true, is the greatest form of manipulation to keep him quiet about what he knows you’d done.

Step seventeen : Go to your sister’s birthday party and play happy families.

Step eighteen : With your family gone, enjoy a blissful week of rekindling your thing with your lover.


Step nineteen : Unintentionally have a row with your lover about your wife’s return, so he overdoes his training and hurts himself by falling in the woods and hitting his head.

Step twenty : Try to kill your lover’s mother with a stone while looking for him in the woods.


Step twenty-one : Find your lover in the woods, and take care of him while you wait for the paramedics. Continue to quarrel with his mother and then rush back home to your precious wife.

Step twenty-two : Hire a hitman to get rid of your lover’s mother who is so getting on your nerves by trying to keep you two apart and threatening to tell your wife.

Step twenty-three : Change your mind and call the hitman off.

Step twenty-four : Get kicked out of the house for scaring the life out of  your wife in a robbery in her house that you’d arranged a while back.

Step twenty-five : Have a drunken snog with your lover.

Step twenty-six : Try not to get burned alive by your wife.


Step twenty-seven : Propose to run away together to your lover & get rejected.

Step twenty-eight : Do everything that you can to make your wife forgive you for the robbery. To do so make a deal with your stepson for him to pretend that he wants to kill himself which will bring you and your wife closer.

Step twenty-nine : Persuade your sister to get revenge on her fiancé for getting someone else pregnant. Try to frame him for something illegal to send him back to prison.

Step thirty : Try to stop your sister’s wedding, instead get yourself knocked out and put into the boot of the car, then driven somewhere and beaten until rescued by your lover.


 


Step thirty-one : Get the affair back on (for the hundredth time), raise the suspicion of the lover’s stepdad enough to make him write a note to your wife.



Step thirty-two : Try kill your lover’s stepfather in the grain pit so as he doesn’t reveal to your wife the affair, than threaten his wife and his kid.



Step thirty-three : Agree to go away with your lover to the lodge far away from your wife and the prying eyes of others, not knowing that he knows the truth about what you’d done to his stepfather and plans to get the confession out of you on tape.

Step thirty-four :  Eventually admit to everything you did, you only “just pushed her”.


Step thirty-five : Bash your lover in the head with a bottle.


Step thirty-six : Tie him to the radiator with a bathrobe belt.

Step thirty-seven : Leave him there and go get the gun.

Step thirty-eight : Return to the lodge, have a heart-to-heart with him, tell him how much you love him, hear how disgusting you are and have your heart broken.


Step thirty-nine : Pull a gun on him.


Step fourty : Tell him that if he tells anyone then you’ll kill him.

Step fourty-one : Accidently shoot his stepfather in the arm.

Step fourty-two : Consider dragging two bodies through the woods and burying them as the lover suggested. That would’ve been too much work though, and you don’t really like to get your hands dirty.


Step fourty-three : Choose the option number two and stitch the stepfather’s arm so badly that he’ll always have this big ugly scar to remember you by.


Step fourty-four : Have a meltdown and cry your eyes out.

Step fourty-five : Let them go, and go back to the village and to your wife.

Step fourty-six : Have the affair revealed to your wife by your lover, and later to the whole village.


Step fourty-seven : Have everyone hate you more than they did before.


 

So far so good, you’ve managed to get away with murder, keep up the good work, you might even get away with the next one.

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